Today, we take a deep dive into whom from the world of country music, including modern corn-fed singers to previous inmates, would make my bar fighting lineup.
If I end up in a scrap at the local watering hole, these are the artists I’d want by my side:
1. Koe Wetzel
It’s not just the fact that Koe Wetzel looks like he could be a starting linebacker for a football league sponsored by Budweiser instead of gatorade, he’s literally seen dumping a body into the lake while smoking a black and mild in his ‘Sundy Or Mundy’ music video. Plus, I’m sure he’d have my back if I promised to take him to Taco Bell after.
2. Riley Green
To the people that know a little bit about Riley Green before he blew up in Country music, he was a fierce competitor in CMT’s “Redneck Island” competition show. In fact, Riley was so strong and charismatic, the rest of the teams, in order to stand a chance at winning, plotted against him to try to eliminate him from the show.
3. Dolly Parton
You may be wondering, a 75 year old woman? Well, when it comes down to it, we all need a good distraction to catch our breath, or at least another opportunity to sneak a beer bottle over the back of anyone standing in our way’s head. Dolly has two gigantic “distractions” for us.
4. Luke Combs
I don’t have a lot of words for the guy who only owns one shirt and one pair of jeans and currently stands atop the country music pedestal in popularity. That being said, Luke drinks a lot of beer. Conclusion: false confidence ensues. Side note; Luke looks like he can take many consecutive punches without knowing he’s being touched. I’ll take the big guy on my side of the aisle any day.
5. Sturgill Simpson
Sturgill is his name. Sturgill was in the military. Sturgill worked on the railroad. Sturgill has a continuous rivalry with the wannabe goliaths controlling the country music radio narrative. Sturgill has a chip on his shoulder. Sturgill doesn’t care about your face.
6. Waylon Jennings
If you don’t know anything about Waylon Jennings, shame on you. You have homework tonight. That being said, all you need to know about Waylon for this piece is that Waylon used to spend $1,500 a day on nose candy, and he once stayed up for nine days and nights without seeing a second of shut-eye. I’m starting a new rumor today that Waylon once took down six armed men at once with a wooden spoon from Cracker Barrel. Disprove that – I don’t think you can.
I know what you’re thinking, Luke fucking Bryan? But hear me out. Have you ever been to a LB show? Have you ever watched him perform? He’s a proven serial hip shaker and pelvic hip thruster from way back. With Luke dodging incoming blows from the opposition with those hip swings, fatigue and frustration sets in and opens the door for a finishing roundhouse kick to the jaw. For now, Luke is benched because we’re not sure if he can complete a successful roundhouse kick, considering the restriction from his tight jeans. If Luke buys a pair of stretchy pants, he’ll make a starting lineup bid.
Any artist who makes their first single to country radio titled “Redneck Crazy” and shows up at his cheatin’ girlfriends house at 3am to throw empty beer cans at her window while she’s in bed with another man, is pretty ballsy in my book.
However, not sure how big his balls actually are considering Tyler used to sing opera music as a teenager. No offense, Tyler, but for that…you’re on the bench. We’ll call you if we need ya.
Good ‘ol Arkansas boy, Justin Moore, is no stranger to singin’ about jackin jaws and enjoying it. Just refer back to his 2008 song ‘I Could Kick Your Ass‘ and I think the title says enough. Unfortunately, he doesn’t make the starting lineup because I think we may need someone taller than 5’7. Sorry, Justin.
Anyone who has the 2nd amendment tattooed on their back and has a pair of brass knuckles on his microphone stand at every show, is someone you want on your side. However, Brantley quit drinkin’ years ago (good for him) but for that, he’s on the bench and probably not at the bar. Regardless, I’m dialing his number if I’m getting my ass handed to me.
Everyone, and I mean everyone, is annoyed by the song “Fancy Like” so much that all I’d have to do is yell out “that’s Walker Hayes!” and everyone from the opposition would start beating the shit out of him and instead of us. I know, I thought this through pretty well.