If anyone needs me, I’ll be coping through Dolly Parton’s death the only way I know how: humor.
Unfortunately, I did not foresee needing 286497 boxes of tissues on a random Tuesday afternoon in August, so I’m attempting to wipe away the tears by laughing through the pain. Luckily, the late legend whose passing was announced earlier today, August 25, at just the age of 80, was quite the comedian.
Dolly was a triple threat in the sense that she was an endlessly influential musician, an iconic style mogul, and she could easily crack up a room with her quippy one-liners. The country music legend was so effortlessly poised and well-spoken on every. single. one. of her television appearances— but Lord did she know how to put on a show too.
Back in April 1995, the “9 to 5” singer made an appearance on David Letterman’s The Late Show to share her top ten biggest pet peeves. Normally I’d find it a little hard to believe the angelic, sweet-hearted singer could have anything that would peeve her off, but the list is actually pretty downright hilarious and filled with every Dolly-themed pun you could think of (not to mention a bit risque!)
What can I say, the East-Tennessee native could be a little saucy at times, but hey, even her sassy sense of humor needs to be remembered on a day like today. So without further ado, let me walk you through Dolly’s iconic and now over 30-year-old list of her top ten biggest pet peeves.
10. Accountants Who Don’t Understand How Much It Costs To Make Me Look This Cheap
Starting off strong, I’m sure the cost of her nails, wigs, wardrobe, makeup, jewelry, and… ‘enhancements’ surely gave some accountants quite the fright. Kudos to Parton for rolling with the punches and leaning into a self-deprecating joke by calling herself “cheap.” I don’t know if I’d personally agree with that label, but this one still gave me a chuckle.
9. Trying to play guitar with five-inch fingernails.
Letterman extended the joke here by asking, “When are we gonna book five-inch-fingernails on the show?” Now there’s a good rock-heavy Dolly Parton cover band idea for someone out there.
Hey, at least the nails did her justice in coming up with the melody for her hit “9 to 5”
8. When the county declares my hair a fire hazard
It’s hard out here for a lady with 8 pounds of hair spray and a bump reaching the heavens! But you can’t deny she always kept her blonde-wig locks looking fabulous
7. Confused Dalai Lama constantly asking for theme park royalties
Now this kids, is what we call a knee slapper.
6. You Can’t Get A Wig Repaired Because Letterman’s Got Some Kind Of Hairpiece Crisis
Ooooh burn. Letterman played into the joke, pushing his curly hair to the side and noting, “it’s like my goofy cousin is hosting the show tonight.” Piping into a nerdy accent, he added, “uh hello I’m Dave’s cousin Kenny.”
5. A rhinestone rash
This one’s self-explanatory. I’m sure Parton had her fair share of outfit malfunctions and uncomfortable get-ups. But you know what they say…beauty is pain.
4. Whenever he visits my gift shop, Garth Brooks always shoplifts stuff under that big hat of his
Parton kept getting interrupted trying to announce this hilarious dig at the “Friends in low places” singer, stumbling over her words, stating that Brooks shoplifts in Dollywood by shoving things under his massive, iconic black wide-brimmed hat he always sported in the ’90s. Letterman quipped back, “Dolly’s been smokin’ her own self.”
3. Smart*ss Emcees who introduce Dolly by saying “and now here they are, Dolly Parton”
While Dolly herself never shied away from poking fun at her famous figure throughout her career, the punchline is reserved for her and her only.
2. When the Super Bowl is over, the winner never says “Hey, I’m goin’ to Dollywood!”.
I think this is the official sign that we need to start implementing this partnership starting in 2027. I smell a Super Bowl LXI Dolly Parton tribute inbound.
1. Last but not least, I’ll leave it to Dolly to announce her very important, final pet peeve….
Check out the full segment below: